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(a mediocre) Ode to You...? [entries|friends|calendar]
somebody stole a soul.... Arie

[ website | Zine 9 ]
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[02 Jan 2004|02:42am]
new years res :

i am no longer allowed to do my own taxes.

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[22 Dec 2003|08:17am]
"Living in the past is a quality that can last a lifetime...." -Me.....
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write something goddamn it. [19 Dec 2003|03:18am]
Oi.... I am at a loss for words....
oh wait, i know what to do............... thesaurus / dictionary time!

Words I should Really Use on a more regular basis:

dem·a·gogue also dem·a·gog ( P ) Pronunciation Key (dm-gôg, -gg)
A leader who obtains power by means of impassioned appeals to the emotions and prejudices of the populace.
A leader of the common people in ancient times.

tr.v. dem·a·gogued, also dem·a·goged dem·a·gogu·ing, dem·a·go·ging dem·a·gogues, dem·a·goges

Thesaurus of words I like :

Entry: godly (adj.)
Definition: religious
Synonyms: angelic, born again, celestial, deific, devout, divine, god-fearing, good, goody-goody, got religion, holy, Jesus freak, Jesus loving, knee bending, pietistic, pious, prayerful, righteous, saintlike, saintly, virtuous
Concept: religious entity

Entry: lazy (adj.)
Definition: inactive
Synonyms: apathetic, bum, careless, comatose, dallying, dilatory, drowsy, dull, flagging, heavy-footed, idle, inattentive, indifferent, indolent, inert, lackadaisical, laggard, lagging, languid, languorous, lethargic, lifeless, loafing, neglectful, passive, procrastinating, remiss, sack artist, shiftless, slack, sleepy, slothful, slow, slow-moving, snoozy, somnolent, supine, tardy, tired, torpid, trifling, unconcerned, unenergetic, unindustrious, unpersevering, unready, wear
Concept: laziness

Entry: bloodless (adj.)
Definition: unfeeling
Synonyms: anesthetic, cold, coldhearted, dull, impassible, indolent, insensible, insensitive, languid, lazy, lifeless, listless, passionless, sluggish, spiritless, torpid, unemotional, unkind
Antonyms: caring, florid, lively, robust
Concept: unkindness
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in the event that this plane goes down... [08 Dec 2003|06:10am]
i should fucking write something worth publishing soon or i'm gonna publish myself into the ground... oh, i meant pummle... same thing, right?

Somewhere in my head there has to be a story i'd want to tell.... i just don't think i'm ready now and i don't wanna wake emily or her bird up with my typing.

although, this computer is very quiet, i must say, i'm impressed.


;) i like yelling at myself.
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[19 Oct 2003|02:35am]
i don't think it's normal to expect to see somebody hanging by their neck everytime you get into an elevator... is it?

i'm all kinds of fucked in the head.
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you're innocent when you dream [29 Jun 2003|12:44pm]
[ mood | content ]

this probably isn't interesting to anybody but me.....

dreams :

i had an eighth and was gonna pack matt a bowl but couldn't figure out the pipe. when i tapped out the old shit a weird removable screen and loose change fell out of it. i was near the somerville DPW behind trum feild....
there's a weird underground cave thing in my dream alot and it has a circular hole filled with water. usually too scared to go in there. but at one point, in a past dream, it was totally safe, and you could even swim in the hole. an alligator jumped up from the underground hole of water and i wrestled it and put it to sleep. it turned into a girl. she was under a spell?
there was a parade on broadway. it wasn't anything special.

dreamt i was in russia with amy. but it was weird. it was like a little city but it was in the U.S. but it was russia. i don't know. something about a party or something.
trainstation in russia. it was a doorway you had to go down stairs and catch the train on a small platform. lots of dirty people down there. a group of us (?) had put paint on our necks. a stripe of black on the left side, and went down there. there was a kindergarten teacher with kids on a fucking rope. she or he didn't give a shit about them and was treating them horribly. and there was one woman crying. everyone with a black stripe was doing mean things, robbing, beating up people. i tried to flag down a car, there was a road next to the tracks, and one guy pulled over. i explained to him we needed the police and he just laughed at me and drove away. he said it was funny.

then i was in a locker room and there was a door joining the girls and the boys locker rooms and i opened it and went in. it was someone's birthday so a teacher gave me a cake to frost and i had to do it carefully, it said something on a piece of paper attached to the cake but the frosting took it off.

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[06 Jun 2002|12:42am]
we weren't having the fight.
the fight was having us.

it was one of those moments when you're outside of yourself, not caring you're getting soaked in the rain, just watching yourself say all the stupid things you know you shouldn't be saying, fighting with someone who you love, taking breaks only to breathe, or wipe your eyes clear.

but you're still watching it all happen, knowing how it's going to end, you can't help but watch.. outside of yourself. down the street, from a window above. you just stare, like it's two other people, two people you don't know, letting this fight have them.

then he walks away, and you snap back into yourself and realize how stupid it all was.

he walks away. that's all you know. he's walking.. he's going.. he kicked over a trash barrel.. he's gone.
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[30 May 2002|04:16am]
but it bears repeating now

blizzard of thought and random rambling
underneath my clothes, do you really think there's skin
time will tell, and you'll find wings
i don't even know if i'm missing you
the thought of you or kisses gentle on my
back. i lack the personality to keep you here
everything i know, is fucked. everything i feel doesn't matter
all that much to you i guess. i could marry you, you know
repeating that whenever we're together isn't enough
something must be, but i don't seem to have it in me
razors and rockstars and wanting and needing and you're never there
even in my insanity i know that i'll always love you
perplexing riddles line my walk and i talk stupidly
everything takes some time. how should i know if you want it
anything can be taken by a spell or a curse
that's true.. but the truth will never be known
i think i need some sleep
nothing goes right. i want you to sleep next to me tonight
got nothing else going for me just yet
nothing at all. all i want is what i don't have
only reminded of it every fucking day... by you
will it ever just settle and be right for me?

fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck. i want to die.

not really. that'd be stupid. but i wanna go away for a little while... why can't i just go the fuck away for a little while. to much shit i'm tied to here. i wanna go somewhere i don't know anything about.. or anybody. or anything.......... i just want to go to Phoenix, or Calgary, or Seattle, or San Fran....... or somewhere i haven't been yet........ Talahassee....... instanbul.. anywhere but boston.

i know too much about this stupid city and these people and buildings and trees. i know about the soil and the air and the water surrounding it...... i want to be in Des Moines, or St. Paul, or Detroit..............

fuck fuck fuck fukc fukclsfjkdsla;ujeriohanjdfks;lhfjkd;sajfkleu849w3yhudsfkhj;wyeudfuhdfjkh;jk

so many things fucking eachother in my head.. why can't i befucking something/one, why is my head is fucking for me. it's fucking itself. that's just stupid.. mind masterbation..........

fuck this, goodnight.
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[07 May 2002|09:20pm]
i was staring at my wall for a good fifteen minutes. i didn't even realize. even now that i'm typing, i am still looking at it occasionally. my eyes open wide. then shut tight. the open again. fingers have to keep moving moving moving. sometimes they want to move so much that i can't type anymore and i just have to take a break and let them do their thing for a while and scream out of sheer frustration.
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[11 Apr 2002|02:18pm]
caution to the wind
and i choke on ashes blown
near by your voice
tell me something beautiful
you've never known beautiful
only i am beautiful
underneath this tired moon
set your sights on everything
envy brings entropy
everything's too much to breathe
material want is so consuming now
years decided on blue green eyes
wasting time on little things
all i've ever wanted was nothing
less than someone like you
losing sleep for food
sensing your bad mood
acid based night oil paints
really, they don't have to know
exceptions made for kisses on my back
cursing the fact that nobody knows
regard me as silent and everything goes
unobstructed passion that nobody knows
missing a touch of someone who's not there
burning photographs of love since dead
lingering smoke fills the air
i don't care if i'm with you
nervous you don't really love me
getting scared because i do
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[01 Apr 2002|02:01am]
mmm... happy. ;)
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something i wanna finish badly................ [31 Mar 2002|04:50am]
prologue :

I've learned to never expect anything more than a one night stand. oblivious in my shower, hot water covering every inch of my used body, i am glad of only one thing.
i didn't give my heart to this one. i didn't let him see me. not like the one before. not like the one i can't ignore.
turning off the water, and not noticing the difference, i remind myself religiously to call my landlord about the plumbing. i'm pretty sure there should be more water pressure at 3 am.
Almost involuntarily, i wrap the towel and stare out the open bathroom door. across my beaten up studio apartment to my comforter, laying cold on the cracked, hardwood floor. Pan up: my sheets, bunched up and coming off at the left bottom corner, pillows against a wall. print of "Lady of Shalott" by John Waterhouse hanging slightly off-center above my bed.. No, the bed just moved a few inches to the right.. i couldn't even say how much i regret that bed moving.
Picking up the shirt i just discarded on the radiator, i step quietly out of the bathroom and make sure my front door is locked.
I knew this one wouldn't stay until the morning. and i didn't mind all that much crawling into bed, reaching over the side for the blanket, i think "he was probably too cold to sleep next to anyway..."

maybe i'll finish this tomorrow...... ;0)
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random significance to nobody but myself.................. [30 Mar 2002|05:54am]
i had just gotten off of the commuterrail, a few stops short of north station. i just couldn't be on that train anylonger. i looked at playstead rd. it seemed too familiar to me. too average. i had gone down that road so many times, and each time was as uneventful as the last. nothing compared to the first time i'd been there. everything was awesome, and fun and amazing and new. the people the situation the late nights. it was all very fun to me. but since then it's just become mundane and old.
i looked at high street and found myself walking. i didn't know which direction i was going, but i knew i had to get home.
i walked past boston ave. not knowing what was down that far, because i'd never been that way before. i found the arlington/medford border. the border between love and hate. between friendship and isolation. between life and death.
i turned away and headed back towards boston ave and waited for the #80 bus to my house.
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[29 Mar 2002|03:09pm]
what not to do :
wander streets without taking them in and seeing them for what they're worth. do your job and pray for the time it's over. relationships will begin to fail if you take them for granted. look forward to being alone.
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[06 Mar 2002|02:10am]
wanna buy a duck?
a what?
a duck..
does it quack?
of course it quacks, it's a duck.

i bought a duck today.... nobody understand the wonderfulness of this duck. it's name is Ashley the _______ _________ duck... amy and i still haven't figured out the blank spaces.. but it's replacing my bear.. i lost a teddy bear in tulsa. it was the greatest bear in the world. Bob the Punk Rock Bear.... *sigh* i miss that bear. it went everywhere with me. and i lost him at Gypsy Coffeehouse on the corner of Cameron and Cinncinatti.. i think that's where it was. that bear had a lot of friends and is missed terribly.
anywho, so we bought a duck.
that's all.
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[05 Jan 2002|10:08pm]
habitual self inflicted death and having nothing and leaving nothing and wantin geverything but going in circles you can't get what you want, only what you've had in the past cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill cycles kill
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[23 Oct 2001|01:25pm]
[ mood | awake ]

you're awake
and i'm asleep
and we are so complete
that when you're asleep
and i'm awake
everything's so great

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[16 Oct 2001|01:45am]
he refuses to love me
but can't refuse my love
he takes so much more
than he knows he's taking
and more than he let's himself give
but i can't let myself give him
anything less than everything
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[16 Oct 2001|01:43am]
eat shit youassholes.

i'm in love.
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[03 Oct 2001|02:15am]
[ mood | full of courage ]

just want to disappear
inside your kiss,
forget about the world,
'cause i'm so tired of being
a lonely dried up girl
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